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	HURLEY

Take my World, Please! 
by Patrick Hurley [scriptwriter] 8/16/07

I think the world is going crazy. I honestly do. Reading the news the last 24 hours is making me nauseous. What is happening to us? Did someone steal into people’s homes and remove the v-chip that controls REASON? My Lord, I think Merv left at the perfect time. There is dumb. There is dumber. And, there is eternally DUMBEST!

To wit:

ITEM: A Rutgers basketball player is suing Don Imus for remarks he made about her TEAM. I will not bother mentioning the name of this young lady because I don’t want to give her any more publicity than she deserves. Let me just say that some people have a choice to earn a living while others opt to STEAL one. I hope there is a judge out there who will sit this gal down and explain to her that just because she has a lawyer blowing sweet nothings into her ear about easy cash, does not mean she is going to get it. Maybe I don’t understand the law, but since Imus never singled her out individually in his comments, I doubt she has a case here. But, she is succeeding in showing the world how to embarrass oneself with her blatant greed and opportunistic preying.

ITEM: Elizabeth Edwards has morphed into Martha Mitchell. For awhile there, I thought JOHN Edwards was running for President! Silly boy that I am! It was all a ploy to pave the way for his pushy wife to shove her way onto the platform. After telling off Ann Coulter, Elizabeth now has bigger fish to fry. “Gee, I told off the Wicked Witch of the Right, I must be pretty electable now! People think I am the new Cindy Sheehan! I think I will go after Hillary, Barack and golly, just about every breathing candidate. This is fun!” Two lessons are being learned here: Elizabeth is starting to make Bella Abzug look gracious and John is the biggest wimp since Ashley Wilkes. Will SOMEONE shut her up, please?

ITEM: Pastor’s wife is released from prison after two months. She shot him in the back while he slept. That is normally called, “murder.”Two MONTHS? It’s a good thing she didn’t get caught on Dateline’s, “To Catch a Predator!” She could have gotten five years in prison. Mess with a kid, you get one to five. Kill a husband with a shotgun blast, you are bringing potato salad to the next church picnic. To all the wives out there who are sick and tired of your husband yelling at you, there is hope for a new life for you after all! Remind me to never get married to a passive aggressive nut case in Tennessee...

ITEM: Tim Donaghy, the NBA Ref to come clean! This is a noble action on his part. It indicates that he wants to get help for his problem. Donaghy, in my opinion, should be reinstated for the upcoming season. Why? He will be the most honest referee in the league NOW. Du-oh. This guy is a poster child for honesty and integrity since he has been outed from the shadows of gambling and fixing games. It is like being the next crew on the space shuttle after Challenger. You KNOW they are going to make certain there will not be an accident the second time around, right? Give him back his whistle.

ITEM: Newt Gingrich is angry at President Bush for going on vacation while illegal immigrants slaughter four college students in Newark, NJ. His implication that the President abandoned his post so that an illegal can make his fatal moves makes me think that Newt has the intellectual capacity of a salamander. That IS what a “newt” is, right? Well, I can see why now. Blaming Bush for an isolated attack on innocent victims here is like calling Bill Clinton into question every time a teenage girl gets pregnant. If Newt wants attention in his goofy bid to run for President, he needs to stop thinking like George Costanza and start using reason in his statements. When I first read the quote I honestly thought it came from Ted Kennedy. C’mon, Newt; we don’t need a second coming of Rush Limbaugh. Think before you bluster. Thank you.

ITEM: Angelina Jolie has announced she no longer engages in bisexual activity because she now has Brad Pitt for a husband. Do these celebrities ever remotely consider how stupid they sound BEFORE they open their mouth in public? So, if we are to follow AJ’s logic here…IF Brad ever gets into a car accident and goes through a windshield…? Oh, oh. It is nice to know that animal attraction still guides the shallow, huh? Note to Brad: whatever you do, never become UGLY for your sake and the sake of all the potential young lesbians out there in the world who may run across your dippy wife. Not since Anna Nicole has a baby been in more danger of being raised by a vacuum.

It’s time for bed. I can’t take anymore news. I really miss Walter Cronkite tonight.

More than you will ever know. ExileStreet

copyright 2007 Patrick Hurley

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