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Julia Gorin

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Conservatives Are From Mars, Liberals Are From San Francisco
by Burt Prelutsky
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America Alone
by Mark Steyn
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The Miss America Credo
“Give me that $30,000.00 and a scholarship or ELSE!”
[by Patrick Hurley] 1/25/06

Benjamin Franklin was right. He said, “The Constitution only guarantees the pursuit of happiness. You have to catch it yourself.” Truer words were never spoken for Miss America…2006.

When I was growing up, the Miss America Pageant was a must-see event in our home. Atlantic City. Bert Parks. I watched that bevy of beautiful women as I fantasized about one of them being my baby-sitter. (Mary Ann Mobley, ’55) That, uh, famous song, “There she is…” And, the real challenge of the evening, GUESSING who was going to win the crown. This was especially tense during the final five countdown. I usually won that contest. I always picked the girl from the deepest part of the south. Or Texas. There was something pretty about a southern belle. It was glamorous and riveting. I am in love with Phyllis George, Miss America ’71 to this day.

This year, as you know, Miss America moved to Las Vegas. The media acted like it was a big deal. But, going from one sin city on the east coast to another one in the western desert is not earth-shattering. Had the organizers relocated to Sheboygan, Wisconsin, I think they would have gotten the attention of the American people. They also would have gotten a weekend’s worth of free bratwurst. As it was, there was plenty of bologna to go around in Vegas. I think they also had barbecued ribs and hush puppies since it was televised on Country Music Television. Y’all come, ya hear?

The winner of this year’s competition was Jennifer Berry from Oklahoma. She seems like a nice girl. She had some tragedy in her past. One of her best friends was killed in an alcohol-related accident. Immediately, at the age of fifteen, Jennifer became a spokesperson for several organizations against drinking and driving, including, Mothers Against Drunk Driving (MADD) and, the University of Oklahoma’s, Think if you Drink Program. She is also a member of Project Under 21 and has spoken to hundreds of incoming college freshmen about the dangers of alcohol. Interestingly, she has also spoken to hundreds of ELEMENTARY students about THEIR choices and the need for a healthy lifestyle. I am not sure why she went after that age group, but she must have reasoned as marijuana leads to meth, chocolate milk must lead to Jack Daniels and water. There is no proof she also attended hundreds of labor room deliveries to nip those little suckers in the bud, too. You can never get the message out soon enough.

This all adds up to two conclusions: If you are a guy and you have ANY intention of dating Jennifer Berry someday I have two words for you, “Got Milk?” Because anything stronger than that and your butt is out the door, buddy! Secondly, we are dealing with a very passionate and DRIVEN gal here. The same forces that made her the University of Oklahoma’s anti-drinking spokesperson were just as powerful in her winning the Miss America crown.

Think “Rudy” with a tiara.

The other contestants never had a chance. They were ground down into hamburger meat under the relentless onslaught of Jen’s willpower to win. Before she was Miss America 2006, she was Miss America in her mind. She ate, drank, (non-alcoholic, of course!) slept, breathed and envisioned that night in her quest to be the most famous, “girl next door,” in our nation’s land. The proof of that was in her bio. When it came to determination, she made Vince Lombardi look like Roberto Duran. “No mas,” was NOT in this gal’s vocabulary. If Lombardi never actually said, “Winning isn’t everything, it is the only thing!” Jennifer Berry DID!

At seventeen years old in 2001, she first ran for Miss Oklahoma. She received a non-finalist talent award. She was just warming up. The following year, Jennifer was a Top Ten Semi-finalist and a preliminary swimsuit winner. She could feel the fever building now. In 2003, she placed third runner-up and…received another preliminary swimsuit award. Like steel refined by fire, she was driving her dream home. A year later, she was third runner-up again. The prize was within her reach now. She was going to suti up for Georgia Tech…”Jennie, Jennie, JENNIE!” Finally, in 2005, she succeeded in winning Miss Grand Lake and the rest as Bert Parks would say is, “There she is, your Miss America!” Which leads me to say something to all your girls in kindergarten out there:

“Drink your WHITE milk, build strong bones, buy a really cool swimsuit every year, learn how to walk with a book on your head, watch the movie, “Rudy” 117 times, seek world peace, learn how to dance and never…never….never….NEVER quit until you reach Las Vegas and walk down that ramp. It is not enough to want to BE Miss America, you need to BECOME Miss America, the sooner the better! Because if you think this is just a fun pageant to enter for a shot at college, think again. This is a 5-7 year commitment to getting what you want. If Rudy could do it at Notre Dame, (I cry every time I see him make that TACKLE!) and Jennifer Berry could do it at Oklahoma, you can be Miss America in, uh, Sheboy…er, Las Vegas or wherever they decide to hold it when you are well into puberty.

Somewhere Vince Lombardi is smiling. But, somewhere Jennifer Berry is smiling MORE! -one-

copyright 2006 Patrick Hurley

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