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Julia Gorin

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Conservatives Are From Mars, Liberals Are From San Francisco
by Burt Prelutsky
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America Alone
by Mark Steyn
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Saving FACE!
A French dog creates the possibility of immortality...
[by Patrick Hurley] 12/15/05

I believe this woman in France who received a face transplant recently is definitely on to something. Ever since, Shallow Hal became my favorite movie, I have realized my own physical mortality. It is not a pretty picture.

I used to be a handsome guy. I even modeled in college. But, over the years a few things happened to shock my narcissistic senses. First of all, I became follically challenged, unfortunately not on my back and shoulders, but on my head. God has a sense of humor. Secondly, I have also added a few pounds and thirdly, since my last modeling gig my skin has become a tad…dry.

When I heard about this lady who got a new face because she had an unfortunate encounter with her dog, I suddenly realized the myriad of possibilities! If I raised the necessary funds, I could become handsome again, like Brad Pitt or anyone Paris Hilton dates. But, just as quickly I encountered an ethical dilemma. Who do I want to look like? And, more importantly, is it fair to copy someone else’s looks when they worked hard to make their mug famous?

I resolved this question just as quickly as I had asked it. When I was nineteen years old, I was told I looked a lot like Jim Morrison of, “The Doors.” Since he is presumably dead, (which is open to conjecture since he did brag about faking his demise in order to sell more albums) I think he is fair game for me to steal his face back and use it to troll singles bars. I could wear my hair long…on the sides, (think Dr. Phil imitating Andy Gibb) and just nod knowingly when a babe comes up to me and says, “Gosh, you look just like that, “Light my Fire” guy, WHATSHISNAME! The evening would end with me taking her back to my place, whipping out my new karaoke machine and serenading her with something hot from 1967. I would be forever grateful to that lady in France. And, her little dog, too.

I remember when we had historic heart transplants back in the mid-60’s. Since then, many famous people have had liver and kidney transplants although I cannot think of any of them right now. It makes you wonder if there will be a brain transplant although I highly doubt Barbara Boxer has the time or the self-awareness to seriously consider it. We can only pray…

But, face transplants are certainly the wave of the future. I first began thinking about it when I saw the movie, Face Off, starring Nicolas Cage and John Travolta. In order to catch the bad guy, (Nicolas Cage), the good guy, (John Travolta) has a scientist replace his face with the villain’s face. Unfortunately, the bad guy decides that is such a good idea that he does the same thing. So, now we see a good guy, Nicolas Cage with John Travolta’s face, try to arrest the bad guy, John Travolta, who possesses Nicolas Cage’s face which leads to some major confusion among both the good guy’s police partners and the bad guy’s gang and especially with the good guy’s wife who winds up sleeping with the bad guy and the bad guy’s girlfriend, who winds up getting killed by the good guy’s partners and by the end of the movie, I am wondering if there will be a new television spinoff featuring extreme makeovers of homely people called, Trading Faces. Why not? This is the land of youth and beauty. If you don’t believe me, why do Jessica Simpson, Nicole Richie, Ashton Kutcher, the Olsen twins and Ryan Seacrest have lucrative careers earning millions? Is it because they are talented? Psychologically intriguing? Able to reach the masses with, uh, depth of some consequence? No. Keep thinking about it and I will even give you a clue; it has something to do with the way they look!

Therefore, if you want to be on the cutting edge of 21st Century trends, get a new face because the one you are looking at every morning in the mirror is not going to take you very far. If it was, don’t you think you would have been contacted by People Magazine by now? Stop living in denial, you know you wish you were better looking. Well, here is your big chance. Don’t wait for your dog to attack you. Take control of your countenance! Start rearranging those genes or forever be banished to Leperville.

If you wisely decide to transplant a part of your face, who would you use for your model? Kathy Ireland has killer eyes. Have you seen the lips on Liv Tyler? Would you give your left arm for Dick Clark’s skin? How about your nose? Does the name, “Cher” come to mind? Classic. Memorable. Distinct. Look at your schnozz. You wish.

So, I am considering what it will take to become the new, “Mr. Mojo Risin.” (an anagram nickname of Jim Morrison from the 60’s!) But, since I need to retain some of my own identity, I will look like Jim Morrison, (assuming my transplant goes well) but I will be known by MY own anagram taken from my name, “Icky Purl Heart!” My new moniker has a rock star ring to it and since a lot of musicians have incorrectly misspelled their bands, “The Beatles,” “U2,”The Byrds“ and, my all-time favorite illiterate group, “The Monkees,” my sense tells me that, “Icky Purl Heart” will be the next great name in rock and roll. All because a woman in Paris inspired me to recreate the face of legend.

Look for my face and album coming soon to Tower Records in your hometown.

Patrick “Pat” Hurley -one-

copyright 2005 Patrick Hurley

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