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Conservatives Are From Mars, Liberals Are From San Francisco
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America Alone
by Mark Steyn
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Let Me Count The NAMES!
Media hype...
[by Patrick Hurley] 12/11/05

I am sure you have noticed that the more famous (or infamous!) a person, the more names the media attaches to them. For example, it was never, “John Booth,” or, “Lee Oswald.” No, they were Presidential assassins and as a result, they had to have three names! It was like that with our heroes, too. Franklin Delano Roosevelt. John Fitzgerald Kennedy. Martin Luther King. Since Robert Kennedy’s middle name was Francis, and he was the Attorney General of the United States of America, no one dared to add his middle moniker to his legacy. Noooooo.

So, if you want to know who the media favors when you read a news event, just count the names and you will see their darlings. The two name, “losers,” included, George Bush I and II, Ronald Reagan and Richard Nixon. I don’t think they were real fond of Jimmy Carter, either. Other than Rosalyn, I can’t think of anyone else who supported him after his inauguration.

That brings me to the new media superstar. Stanley Tookie Williams. Three names. This must be a great man. The media is telling us so. You do notice that his murder victims only had two names when they were mentioned in the press. Oh, excuse me, he never murdered anyone, I forgot. Stanley Tookie Williams is innocent. Now, I remember. He helps at-risk kids. He writes children’s books. He has renounced his past gang activity. It is funny what an impending moment of death will do to a soul. As I write this, it is December 11, 2005. Stanley Tookie Williams is scheduled to involuntarily leave this earth in four days unless our esteemed Governor, (who only has two names) pardons him before then.

I have nothing personally against Stanley Tookie Williams. I am happy that he has repented from his, uh, non-murderous ways. I guess the argument for his clemency is one of those tightrope statements, “Okay, Tookie is innocent of killing anyone but if he DID murder those four people he has repented and lived an exemplary life since helping thousands of kids realize their potential. Therefore, he should be pardoned for the turnaround in his life which occurred after he really didn’t take the lives of four people. Kapeesh?”

Oh, yeah, I understand now.

Mike Farrell, who would have fought to the death to stop the execution of Ted Bundy sending him instead to daily sensitivity sessions, is at the forefront of this crusade to save his new friend, Stanley… Tookie… Williams. He has strong feelings about the death penalty and I quote him, “I have been arguing for years that this is a barbaric practice that demeans us as a just society and erodes our moral core.” You have a great argument here, Michael; the problem is the object of your advocacy. It is not the death penalty that is barbaric and demeans our society, it is the crime of MURDER that does that. If you want to be passionate about truth, start with the victim, not the victimizer. The misguided Samaritan who formerly made M.A.S.H. a big hit is joined in this mission by some pretty heavy hitters out there. Snoop Dogg, Archbishop Desmond Tutu, Jamie Foxx, Bianca Jagger, (okay, I am stretching her fame a bit!) Russell Crowe, Harry Belafonte and, here’s a stunner, Barbra Streisand!

I wonder if the Funny Girl would be lighting candles for Ann Coulter if she had murdered four liberals…

But, I digress. Let us get to the core issue.

What is important here is that Stanley Tookie Williams, a convicted murderer of four people is getting the, “three name” treatment. He never got that when he helped bring the Crips to national prominence. He lacked star quality until he started killing people. I am sitting here typing at my desk and wondering what it is going to take to make everyone appreciate me as Patrick James Hurley. If I don’t become a famous statesman or win the Academy Award, is my only hope to go out and buy a gun?

I envy John Warnock Hinckley or Lynette Squeaky Fromme. They didn’t even have to assassinate anyone to get three names. So, if I inflict a wound on a famous person or even have my weapon jam in attempting it, do I (excuse the pun!) have a shot here? I can see the USA Today headline now…

Patrick James Hurley, while attempting to bring down Jesse Jackson with his polo mallet was wrestled to the ground by several members of the NAACP before he could actually harm the Reverend. Patrick James Hurley, who was heard screaming as he was led away, “When is Jesse Jackson going to get a real JOB?” faces a conviction of up to ten years in prison. Friends and neighbors who knew Patrick James Hurley were shocked at his arrest claiming Patrick James Hurley never showed any animosity towards them and believed his problems began when he was fired from his place of work at a local polo supply company. Patrick James Hurley will be arraigned tomorrow in Superior Court. His middle name will be included in all subsequent news articles because he tried to assault someone whom the media deems significant.

Two days from now, Stanley Tookie Williams will be alive or dead. But, two things we know for sure…his victims are already dead and because he has some famous people backing him up, he will probably have three names on his gravestone someday.

Only in America.

Patrick Hurley
The writer with two names.

-one-

copyright 2005 Patrick Hurley

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