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FROM THE PHONE BOOTH: The Smallest Space in  Hollywood

	FINEFROCK

Enduring Edicts, 30 Years Later:
Paul Dickson’s Everalasting Rules
by Steve Finefrock - Hollywood Forum [scriptwriter] 4/1/08

Gold is where you find it, even if thirty years ago. A little tome of “Murphy’s Laws” cousins was published thirty years ago as “The Official Rules” – followed by its sequel of additions triggered by the first book, “The Official Explanations,” both by Paul Dickson [whose latest regards the history of the space program]. As a Senior Fellow of the Murphy Center for the Codification of Human and Organizations Law, I give you a sampling from the first issue. The second book has my additions, and maybe an extract  from there will come at a later time. But here’s a sampler, many perhaps worthy of your own enthusiastic distribution on the net – with a few pithy rejoinders, of course:
 
 
David Broder’s Law: Anybody that wants the presidency so much that he’ll spend two years organizing and campaigning for it is not to be trusted with the office.
– WaPo, July 19,1973 [changed his mine regarding Fred Thompson]

Brontosaurus Principle: Organizations can grow faster than their brains can manage them in relation to their environment and to their own physiology: when this occurs, they are an endangered species. – Thomas Connellan book by same name [1976]
 
Dean Acheson’s Law of the Bureaucracy: A memorandum is written not to inform the reader but to protect the writer.
 
Canada Bill Jones’ Motto: It is morally wrong to allow suckers to keep their money.
Canada Bill Jones’ Supplement: A Smith and Wesson beats four aces.
 
Arthur C. Clark’s Third Law: Any sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable from magic.
 
Clopton’s Law: For every credibility gap, there is a gullibility fill. [How do you think liberals get elected?]
 
Barry Commoner’s Three Laws of Ecology: 1– No action is without side effects. 2– Nothing ever goes away. 3 – There is no free lunch. [There’s a rule on economics impinging on the environment – who knew Milton Friedman was an ecologist.]
 
John Dean’s Law of the District of Columbia: Washington is a much better place if you are asking questions rather than answering them. [Or, if you’re Al Gore doing the answering, your friends do all the asking.]
 
Everett Dirksen’s Four Laws of Politics: 1 – Get elected. 2 – Get reelected. 3 – Don’t get mad, get even. 4 – The oil can is mightier than the sword.
 
Miles’ Law of the Billfold: Where you stand depends on where you sit. [Bravo, bravissimo!]
 
Duggan’s Law: To every Ph.D. there is an equal and opposite Ph.D. [But they do not get equal chance to testify if Al Gore chooses the witness list.]
 
Economists’ Laws: 1 – What men learn from history is that men do not learn from history. 2 – If on an actuarial basis there is a 50/50 chance that something will go wrong, it will actually go wrong nine times in ten.
 
Will Durant’s Discovery: One of the lessons of history is that nothing is often a good thing to do and always a clever thing to say.
 
Lord Falkland’s Rule: When it is not necessary to make a decision, it is necessary not to make a decision. [Hmmm, hear that global warming aficionados?]
 
Funkhouser’s Law of the Power of the Press: The quality of legislation passed to deal with a problem is inversely proportional to the volume of media clamor that brought it on. [And the quality of the Ph.D.s asked to affirm the preconceived liberal notions.]
 
Donald Rumsfeld’s Rules: [If an advisor] - Don’t play president; you’re not. Where possible, preserve the President’s options. The First Rule(s) of Politics: You can’t win unless you’re on the ballot. Politics is human beings. Politics is addition, not subtraction. When someone with a rural accent says, “I don’t know anything about politics” zip up your pockets. If you try to please everybody, somebody is not going to like it. With the press, it is safest to assume that there is no “off the record.”
 
Bennett’s Second Beatitude: Blessed is he who expects no gratitude, for he shall not be disappointed.
 
Clare Booth Luce’s Law: No good deed goes unpunished.
 
Artz’s Observation You can lead a whore to Vassar, but you can’t make her think.
 
Avery’s Third Saying: Some performers on television appear to be horrible people, but when you finally get to know them in person, they turn out to be even worse.
 
Barzun’s Second Law of Learning: The analogy to athletics must be pressed until all who lack the muscles, coordination, and will power can claim no place at the training table, let alone on the playing field.
 
Beifeld’s Principle of Boy Meeting Girl: The probability of a young man meeting a desirable and receptive young female increases by pyramidical progression when he is already in the company of (1) a date, (2) his wife, (3) a better looking and richer male friend. [Or, you’re just not interested at the moment.]
 
Derek Bok’s Law: If you think education is expensive, try ignorance.
 
Jerry Brown’s Law: Too often I find that the volume of paper expands to fill the available briefcases.
 
Sam Brown’s Law: Never offend people with style when you can offend them with substance.
 
Butler’s Law of Progress: All progress is based on a universal innate desire on the part of every organism to live beyond its income. [Sadly and too often, Republicans too.]
 
Marvin Kitman’s Law of TV: Pure drivel tends to drive ordinary drivel off the TV screen.
 
Lani’s Principles of Economics: 1 – Taxes are not levied for the benefit of the taxed. 2 – $100 placed at 7 percent interest compounded quarterly for 200 years will increase to more than $100,000,000, by which time it will be worth nothing. 3 – In God we trust, all others pay cash.
 
Moynihan’s Law: If the newspapers of a country are filled with good news, the jails will be filled with good people.
 
Ashley Montague’s Maxim: The idea is to die young as late as possible.
 
Murphy’s Important Eleventh Law: It is impossible to make anything foolproof, because fools are so ingenious. ExileStreet

copyright 2008 Steve Finefrock

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